The Impeding Recession

How film is dressed to depress in Summer '08.

Go through the list, everyone. It looks like this is going to be one long, dark summer of the sequels. Most of the nuclear-level franchises of the early '00s are done or not producing this summer--which means you get The Mummy and Harold and Kumar as your big names in repeat offenders. Oh yeah, and Indiana Jones and Narnia. That might be okay, but Narnia can only really get old (if not in this installment, in the next), and I'm not convinced that Lucas can actually perform in our day and age. Let us never speak of the Episodes in this publication again. Thank all that's holy he's only executive producing this.

For non-sequel offerings, we also have horror remakes. Dawn of the Dead and Prom Night. Hooray. Also, lots and lots of crappy teen- and college-age drama, including museless variations on the theme of "someone broke my heart" and/or "sexual tension resolves into a fulfilling relationship".

There's a bright spot to the season, and it's mid and late June. Perhaps Shyamalan's tense apocalypse The Happening will hearken back to the glory days, and one can only be excited for the two animated gems emerging: WALL-E from the eminently non-disappointing Pixar, and Miyazaki's Ponyo on a Cliff. Also, Get Smart. After proving his chops on the otherwise bland Dan in Real Life, Steve Carell seems a natural choice for Maxwell Smart, and Anne Hathaway as 99 is another intriguing casting selection.

The rest of the summer is sad, though, with the possible exceptions of Iron Man, Dark Knight, a new X-Files movie, and something in which Jackie Chan is a drunken immortal. Possible.

For your ease, the following is a list of what one can reasonably be expected to do with the films of this spring and summer:

Absolutely must see:

• none

Probably actually watch in the real theater:

• WALL-E
• Ponyo on a Cliff
• Get Smart
• Dark Knight
• Iron Man
• The Happening
  

Maybe watch, probably in the discount theater:

• Indiana Jones
• X-Files
• Narnia

Perhaps be shocked that they're not awful:

• Speed Racer
• Hancock
• The Forbidden Kingdom

Pass:

• everything else

Think they're especially eye-gouge-worthy:

• Hulk (yes, again. They don't get it.)
• Hellboy 2
• Kung Fu Panda
• You Don't Mess With the Zohan (Adam Sandler as a Mossad agent turned hairdresser)
• Space Chimps
• Dragonball (that is a live-action imagining of the manga/anime series!
  

A final note: there are no "thinkies" this time around. Sorry about that. I know they were all the rage a few years ago, but apparently the intelligence-pessimists took over again. There may be one exception, and we'll see how it is pulled off: Blindness, based on the novel by Portuguese author José Saramago, may in fact be awesome. I'm kind of concerned that Mark Ruffalo is the lead, but it might well be intelligent.

Otherwise, I may just go into estivation.